I think I might be at my breaking point. These past few years have been harsh on me, and my very soul, if you can believe it. I'm fighting wars on multiple fronts, and as they say, you can't win them all.
Raise your hands if you've ever felt like nothing you do seems to get people to like you, or at least not hate you.
Raise your hands if you've ever felt like nothing you ever do is good enough, or will ever be good enough, to appease some people.
That's how I've felt for practically all my life. This is how I'm feeling right now, as I type this. Sometimes, it's a matter of oversight. Other times, it's damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't. Most days, it's because I "don't listen". Every time, it's because I don't love enough. At this point, after hearing all of it, I'm almost inclined to agree. Maybe I should just stick with the labels I'm given: "Asshole". "Prick". I mean, it's what brought me to the dance, right? It's how I've survived in this world of naysayers and charlatans, beasts and harlots, sycophants and heathens. Maybe I should stop trying. Maybe I should just be what everyone else thinks I am. Would that make you (them) all happy? Maybe I should show you (again them) all how much of an asshole I can really be. Maybe I should (Kinnikuman reference incoming) dial up the memories of your (all of them) past and show you who the real assholes are: The father, who would rather lose a son than accept him as a man, as an equal? The mother, who has turned her back on her duty to protect and love? The sister who has chosen to lie with devils than stand by angels? The brother who has given up on his dreams? The friend who would rather appease his ego, than protect those who have stood by them? The Betrothed, who would rather condemn a man to pariah-dom, than accept the differences that make him who he is? Who would rather see the world end, than see herself step down from her pillar of divinity?
It would be tragic, were it not the reality I face.
So here I am, sitting in the dark because my betrothed is essentially mad because I was talking to myself and she didn't like that I was trying to keep from arguing with her.
(Incoming rant)
1. It's absolutely OK for her to call me names, tell me she's disappointed with me and "fed up" with me, but I can't even have a mini-conversation with myself, without her getting upset and offended.
2. It's also absolutely OK for me to be accused of cheating on her, and endure her distrust for 3 years, with her feeling insecure, but her staying in contact with her long distance ex-boyfriend, who "Never cheated on her but only tore her heart out multiple times by leaving her for the same girl over and over", and who she also was caught planning on rendezvousing with in Europe, only for her to turn it into a commentary on how I "pushed" her into this position of trying to secretly meet with him to see if she "made the wrong choice".
3. It's absolutely OK for me to be told " I see why [redacted] cheated on you".
But alas! I can't be upset about any of that, because it's absolutely not OK for me to be any less than accepting.
You know what? Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Clearly at this point, I was meant to be alone in this world. I clearly can't have nice things. Or rather, I shouldn't.
Maybe I did deserve for [redacted] to sleep with one of my "friends".
Maybe I did deserve for my best friend to trade information about me to [redacted] for sexual favors.
Maybe I did deserve to have my heart broken every time, every day.
Maybe I deserve to be alone, to walk this earth with a void inside, screaming for someone to actually love me.
Maybe I am the Asshole everyone, no, she tells everyone that I am.
Maybe I should stop being the nice guy I try to be.
Maybe I should just let out every dark thought I've ever had, and let the world see the monster it created.
Would that make you (them once more) all happy? To have the mirror turned on you, for everyone to see how horrible you truly are? To see how terrible people you've become?
Or, maybe I could just have you peek at the mirror, so you could see who you've become.
Or?
Who you have always been.
As I write this, I replay my entire life, and I acknowledge as well as accept that I've always been the villain. I have always been a jerk. But, When it is all said and done, I can at least walk away knowing that I have been open about who I am. Can most people be so cognizant about themselves? I am The Bad Guy, but I wish I didn't have to be all the time. I wish I can be The Bad Guy when I actually need to be, not when everyone wants me to be, to tell their story.
Hero to myself, Villain to everyone else.
I guess when the story of us ends- whenever it ends at this point- I shall be the magnificent villain, to your poised and elegant hero, a tale woven with the greatest of battles, the most dramatic of scenes, and the most captivating of expositions.
It is a dance I know all too well. We shall see if I remember the steps.
But, I would be remiss if I did not admit that I am at a disadvantage. Like a soldier who spent too long at peace, I fear as though I am Samson without his locks. I may very well lack the strength to tear down these pillars around me, these pillars of hate and fear, of betrayal and envy, of apathy and regret. I pray I may find some of semblance of that lost strength, to bring down the world around me, to one last time bring down the sky around me, to one final time stand tall and shake the heavens.
Maybe before then, I'll find my peace.
Maybe before then, I'll find that sparkle in my eyes.
Maybe before then, I'll find that smile.
Until then,
With Arms Wide Open
