So, it's 3 days before my 25th birthday, and like so many times before, I'm sitting in the dark surrounded by the images of days gone by. Or something like that. I was asked by my better half whether or not I was panicking or at least scared about my birthday. She was shocked when I told her I wasn't. She then alluded to how I may feel this way, because most people do, freaking out about they haven't accomplished anything yet, a quarter of their life gone, yadda yadda. Here's how I see it: All I've wanted in my life, all that truly mattered to be, was having that one special person in my life, having a good circle of friends that I care about, and living independent from my family. Everything else, while they may be important, not what I count towards feeling whole inside. I can look at myself in the mirror on my birthday and say that I have a good woman for support and love, I have some of the greatest bunch of assholes scalawags around me, and I live (relatively) on my one, away from my family, in a nice quiet house in a nice secluded neighborhood. I've had a steady job for over a year now, and I'm close to graduation. I don't stargaze. I walk around the city looking up at the big, nice apartments and get jealous at what I don't have, I look straight ahead, at my next destination, whether it be a straight path, or up a hill, or down a few stairs. I don't panic at how I'm not where I "should" be, I relax thinking about where I'm not anymore.
I guess I can chalk it up to being appreciative of the simpler things in life.
Speaking of simpler things, I guess I reached a pinnacle of thinking when it comes to evaluating my beliefs and values. I see myself as a sort of traditionalist, but I guess I'm more of a moderate when it comes to my personal leanings. This is significant, only because it makes that giant file cabinet of thoughts in my head easier to classify. Maybe another time I'll go through what exactly I think about, theologically and politically. I think they deserve their own posting.
So, because living in New York (and living in general) is expensive, I've dusted of my (softmodded) PS2 and begun hunting down all the old games I've always wanted to play. So far, so good. Right now I'm starting YuGiOh! Duelists of the Roses. It's a strategy game based of that soul sucking piece of crap card game (which I used to play religiously when I hated myself), as well as being loosely (looser than my ex-girlfriend) based of of the historical War of the Roses. I love this game, mostly because I love strategy games, and this keeps me away from playing Disgaea, which if you knew was the gaping void for all of my friends who've played it. I wish they remade this game, give it HD graphics, an achievement system, give it some dlc cards, make it longer by adding more characters from the GX or 5D series (not Zexal, cuz that shit can like the shiniest part of my sack). Of course, that would involve effort, and caring about the fans when you already got their money. Working with my PS2 makes me miss my modded Xbox, and wish I had it with me (or rather, wish it was cleaned out so I could have brought it here). More importantly, I wish I had the time and money to invest in tricking my stuff out, maybe maintaining them so they can last in the long run.
*sigh*
I don't have time for much of anything. But, that's because I'm taking 3 classes this term, and that's killing me.
At least I'm making decent money.
Just some quick ramblings before I head off to work:
Blogger being a part of the Google metavirus is a bit more cumbersome than helpful. Seriously, who actually uses Google+, or one email account for everything?
I'm turning 25 in 5 days. I'll expound ton thoughts/feelings at the appropriate time.
Slowly but surely, I'm starting to dislike my roommates. I've grew up in an apartment with 4 females, and I've never heard this much whining and bitching about the most innocuous shit. If I wasn't such a nice guy (actually being a jerk takes effort I'm not willing to put in yet) I would have flipped 'em off, moved out, and left them both to deal with their own problems, which surprisingly enough make me seem well adjusted.
I am happy to say that I have found a "kindred spirit" (seriously, how gay does that sound? No wonder only women who have no other redeeming qualities say that) in a friend from work. Unfortunately he quit (can't blame him) but we keep in touch enough to actually have a friendship going. What makes this stand out, is that we should have been friends years ago, during the heyday of my circle of friends. I say this because we have similar tastes in music, we play almost the same games, but more importantly, he knew what Bible Black was. That alone is mind blowing. Even more importantly, he rekindled my love of anime/manga, and that's always a plus.
Fucking New York Comic Con.
Madara "fuck-damn" Uchiha (Naruto) is inching towards that Kratos (God of War) heat with me. What I mean is, its getting to the point where I want him to die, just because he's too much. He, as a reanimated corpse, reversed the spell/jutsu that would have sent him back to wherever the hell souls go in this series. It's like...The sun is rising, and Dracula is starting to burn, and then he says, "fuck this!" and makes the sun go back down. How do you do anything against that?
It really has been a long time since I took the time to write down my thoughts. It took me forever to find this page, I just remembered I had it. i don't know what else to say for an introduction, so lets just get into it, shall we?
I think I might be at my breaking point. These past few years have been harsh on me, and my very soul, if you can believe it. I'm fighting wars on multiple fronts, and as they say, you can't win them all.
Raise your hands if you've ever felt like nothing you do seems to get people to like you, or at least not hate you.
Raise your hands if you've ever felt like nothing you ever do is good enough, or will ever be good enough, to appease some people.
That's how I've felt for practically all my life. This is how I'm feeling right now, as I type this. Sometimes, it's a matter of oversight. Other times, it's damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't. Most days, it's because I "don't listen". Every time, it's because I don't love enough. At this point, after hearing all of it, I'm almost inclined to agree. Maybe I should just stick with the labels I'm given: "Asshole". "Prick". I mean, it's what brought me to the dance, right? It's how I've survived in this world of naysayers and charlatans, beasts and harlots, sycophants and heathens. Maybe I should stop trying. Maybe I should just be what everyone else thinks I am. Would that make you (them) all happy? Maybe I should show you (again them) all how much of an asshole I can really be. Maybe I should (Kinnikuman reference incoming) dial up the memories of your (all of them) past and show you who the real assholes are: The father, who would rather lose a son than accept him as a man, as an equal? The mother, who has turned her back on her duty to protect and love? The sister who has chosen to lie with devils than stand by angels? The brother who has given up on his dreams? The friend who would rather appease his ego, than protect those who have stood by them? The Betrothed, who would rather condemn a man to pariah-dom, than accept the differences that make him who he is? Who would rather see the world end, than see herself step down from her pillar of divinity?
It would be tragic, were it not the reality I face.
So here I am, sitting in the dark because my betrothed is essentially mad because I was talking to myself and she didn't like that I was trying to keep from arguing with her. (Incoming rant)
1. It's absolutely OK for her to call me names, tell me she's disappointed with me and "fed up" with me, but I can't even have a mini-conversation with myself, without her getting upset and offended.
2. It's also absolutely OK for me to be accused of cheating on her, and endure her distrust for 3 years, with her feeling insecure, but her staying in contact with her long distance ex-boyfriend, who "Never cheated on her but only tore her heart out multiple times by leaving her for the same girl over and over", and who she also was caught planning on rendezvousing with in Europe, only for her to turn it into a commentary on how I "pushed" her into this position of trying to secretly meet with him to see if she "made the wrong choice".
3. It's absolutely OK for me to be told " I see why [redacted] cheated on you".
But alas! I can't be upset about any of that, because it's absolutely not OK for me to be any less than accepting.
You know what? Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Clearly at this point, I was meant to be alone in this world. I clearly can't have nice things. Or rather, I shouldn't.
Maybe I did deserve for [redacted] to sleep with one of my "friends".
Maybe I did deserve for my best friend to trade information about me to [redacted] for sexual favors.
Maybe I did deserve to have my heart broken every time, every day.
Maybe I deserve to be alone, to walk this earth with a void inside, screaming for someone to actually love me.
Maybe I am the Asshole everyone, no, she tells everyone that I am.
Maybe I should stop being the nice guy I try to be.
Maybe I should just let out every dark thought I've ever had, and let the world see the monster it created.
Would that make you (them once more) all happy? To have the mirror turned on you, for everyone to see how horrible you truly are? To see how terrible people you've become?
Or, maybe I could just have you peek at the mirror, so you could see who you've become.
Or? Who you have always been.
As I write this, I replay my entire life, and I acknowledge as well as accept that I've always been the villain. I have always been a jerk. But, When it is all said and done, I can at least walk away knowing that I have been open about who I am. Can most people be so cognizant about themselves? I am The Bad Guy, but I wish I didn't have to be all the time. I wish I can be The Bad Guy when I actually need to be, not when everyone wants me to be, to tell their story.
Hero to myself, Villain to everyone else.
I guess when the story of us ends- whenever it ends at this point- I shall be the magnificent villain, to your poised and elegant hero, a tale woven with the greatest of battles, the most dramatic of scenes, and the most captivating of expositions.
It is a dance I know all too well. We shall see if I remember the steps.
But, I would be remiss if I did not admit that I am at a disadvantage. Like a soldier who spent too long at peace, I fear as though I am Samson without his locks. I may very well lack the strength to tear down these pillars around me, these pillars of hate and fear, of betrayal and envy, of apathy and regret. I pray I may find some of semblance of that lost strength, to bring down the world around me, to one last time bring down the sky around me, to one final time stand tall and shake the heavens.
Maybe before then, I'll find my peace.
Maybe before then, I'll find that sparkle in my eyes.
Maybe before then, I'll find that smile.
